Author: Anna Whaley

It’s been a minute. Actually, it’s been 191,520 minutes.

133 days ago, the world shut down. Travel bans. Masks. Gloves. Hand sanitizer. Temperature checks. Social distancing. To say that this has been an insane time of life is, in fact, a huge understatement.

So I’ll start back at the beginning of it all. March 13th Shawn officially went on Spring break, March 19th Governor Pritzker put a travel ban into place, March 20th we found out school was officially online, and March 23rd Lace and I loaded a UHaul and moved north in with my parents back in Chicago.

A lot has happened since then. These photos are definitely more for me and my memories than an audience, but even so, they’re always fun to look at.

The last 133 days have been nothing short of crazy. I never thought I’d live through a pandemic, let alone raise our children through one. Yet, here we are and this is what we are doing.

We do our best day to day & that is all we can do. I’d rather focus on the good of every day than focus on the things that make life so weird right now.

These photos are just a very small look into our crazy & wonderful life.

Back in 2011, I moved from good ol’ Darien, IL to Jacksonville, IL to attend MacMurray College. I created friendships and studied my butt off to graduate an entire year early. My professors were there to answer questions and my friends were the to help study for exams and keep the secret of me keeping a cat in my dorm room. I was never a partier or a sorority sister, but college was a great time in my life. And then I graduated.

In 2014, I moved from Jacksonville, IL to Quincy, IL for a job as a D/HH teacher. I loved teaching and I loved my students. I see glimpses of them on social media and the older kids are now finding me on facebook to add me. Funny how that works. My coworkers, my students’ interpreters and their reg ed teachers helped me to make it through being now 5 hours away from home. We would go bowling, see movies, meet at The Abbey to splurge on 1/2 price appetizers, send Valentine’s Day cookies and popcorn throughout the district, and laugh at way too many jokes. And then, I quit.

I quit because I met my spouse, and together, we became foster parents. And within a year, minus a select few, the friends and support I had while teaching for three years, disappeared in front of me. No more outings, no more constant communication. It was literally as if I had never even taught with them.

In 2017, we became foster parents to Shawn. Our community grew.

In 2018, we became foster parents to Iris. Our community grew more.

In 2019, we became foster parents to BB. And once again, our community grew again.

Here we are in 2020. The hindsight year with saving for a downpayment, paying off student loans, a pandemic, lots of Influenza B, trying for a biological child, and moving to Chicago.

And yet, our community is still there. Our village is still surrounding us, supporting us in any way that they can. The thing about our foster care community, is that there is not anything in the world that can diminish their understanding of what we are going through.

So, to our village. Thank you for being there the last three years, and thank you for not going anywhere. We wouldn’t have made it this far without you. Thanks for continually building us up and not tearing us down.

2020 is here and it’s crazy to me how much has already happened this year.

At the beginning of the year, I had a conversation with a woman at Hobby Lobby about the old fabric that is quickly going into the clearance bin and how the fresh, new fabric is quickly taking it’s place on the racks. “Out with the old, and in with the new!” is what she happily told me as she unloaded more beautiful bolts.

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement and then January 7th came.

If you’re new to this blog, I advise you to go back and reread previous posts, but in short: I’m Anna. I’m married to my spouse Lace, and together, we are foster parents to, now, three beautiful girls. On January 7th, we adopted our oldest.

I’ll be honest in saying that her adoption was the most anticlimactic thing I’ve ever endured. She spent just under 1,100 days in foster care. We were constantly fighting for what we believed was in her best interest, forcing ourselves to support reunification when we knew it would never happen, living court hearing to court hearing, working with our caseworkers, therapists, lawyers, and everyone else in the books. And then, we got her adoption date. We had three weeks to wait and it was the quickest ‘wait’ there was. We had invited almost all of our family — Llama and Paw, Grandma Michelle and Riley, Amber & her three girls, Chris & Allison, Marie & Micheal, Corina, Kathy, Levi, our DSA. We lined the halls of our court house to prepare for the most amazing moment, the adoption of our daughter. The sheriff called our names and we filed in the court room and five minutes later, a “Congratulations” from the Judge, and it was done.

A week later, we picked up court official paperwork which stated her “new” name while her birth name was listed on the top left hand corner. We created her new birth certificate where my spouse and I were listed as her parents & her new name was written out: “Shawn Rose Whaley“.

We have had our daughter since March 27th, 2017. In two months, it will be three years since she’s been with us and in four months, she will have been with us for over 1/2 of her life. But the thing is, that doesn’t erase the first three years of her life.

So to the worker at Hobby Lobby, maybe your bolts of fabric are easy to pass to the clearance bin, but I remember that beautiful Peter Pan fabric, or that exquisite animal print fabric that everyone swooned over on the release date. I remember finding the perfect fabric for Shawn’s adoption dress that is now marked down to $3 in the clearance and it’s breaks my heart.

Shawn’s history will always be part of her and while we can shower her with love and warmth and family where, we hope, she will alway’s feel welcomed and wanted, she will soon be old enough to ask questions and wonder “why me?”, and I hope that she knows we were never trying to pass her history to the clearance bin and to bring in the clean, new future.

Your history was not always the best. You were put through trauma that, between Pop and myself, we’ve never endured something so hard. You are stronger than you can ever imagine and you impress your parents every day. We have done our best to answer questions when you’ve had them and supported you in your search to understanding.

So, while this new year is upon us, I hope you don’t actually believe the saying of “Out with the old and in with the new”, because it will always be in the past. Favorite memories of previous years or maybe some of the saddest. They will always be part of who you are and while you can change, recreate, wish to ‘redo’, it will always be there — a birth name, another family, friends that you don’t converse with anymore, an old home that you used to live in. They shaped who you are, one way or another – good or bad.

To our daughter, you didn’t come this far to only come this far. Keep growing, learning, and always remember where you came from and where you are headed.

So it’s over.

Well, not completely, but ya know, basically.

This year has been anything but ordinary and it continues to persist that way.

January

It started off as any other “new year”. We made it exactly a week in before we took our third placement of our Curly Q. Between her and our youngest, it was quickly discovered that it wasn’t feasible for me to hold a job while also attending to all of the therapies of all three girls, and I quit my job at the airport not too long after. The majority of the month was spent adjusting to having three children, and two of them being “twins”.

February

A blessing that we didn’t know we needed. We had one of our last sleep overs with our favorite Maddie and we realized how blessed we were. We continued to adjust to having another two year old that was much more traumatized than we ever could’ve imagined. We celebrated Babe’s FIFTH birthday and we finally got approval to get her some “poke earrings”. Ahh! Such a BIG moment for her. We celebrated my sister at her bridal shower and we ate doughnuts at the Dunkin’ drive through. Lace and I took a much needed vacation to our favorite place — target. Kidding. We went to Disney!

March

I had my last shift at the most amazing job, the babies started their first set of swim lessons, and I took a lot of photos. Lace and I finally stopped putting our wedding on hold and decided to get married — in exactly 100 days. We pumped out wedding invitations, plans, soundtracks, etc. It all started to fall into place, perfectly. We also go an adoption worker for Babe! On March 24th, we celebrated my sister & my brother in law at their wedding. It was absolutely perfect. On the 27th we celebrated Babe’s second year with us. To this day, we cannot believe that she’s going to be with us, forever.

April

We went camping. Not like, in a tent or anything too nature-y, but in a camper. Which was rad and we should do it again soon. We opened our home to foster kittens and they were simply the most adorable things we’ve ever laid our eyes on. Easter was BB’s first holiday with us and she had a blast. On the 28th, I decided to stop making excuses and sit down to open this — my blog. It has been one of my most favorite outlets and I am so thankful I finally went for it.

MAy

The only thing that mattered this month was the fact that Lace and I finally got married. We had a small and intimate wedding with a max of 35 people. We hired the best photographer we could find and she provided nothing less than perfection.

June

Lace and I traveled down to NOLA for the first time and had the time of our lives. New foods, new experiences, new memories. It is easily ranked up there with Disney in our list of: “Places to go, again”. We celebrated Maddie’s 4th birthday and got to open a relationship with her birth mother. Babe finished her last year of preschool and I made Lace a homemade Blueberry and Blackberry Cobbler for their birthday. On the 29th, we traded in the Rav4 for our 2019 Highlander (which has seriously been a lifesaver.)

July

We celebrated the 4th with our favorite Old Navy shirts and going to a parade in Hannibal, Mo. We road tripped down to Eckert’s Farm near St. Louis to go walk through fields of sunflowers and pick peaches. On the 22nd, I was officially given the “OK” to label all of Babes school supplies with “Whaley” as her last name and we made our way to Columbia, Mo for our annual summer trip to see some of our favorite people.

August

I was published! I wrote an article on foster care for local family magazine and it ended up getting chosen to be published and printed! We made our way back to Darien to have our annual pool day trip with my brother and SIL. Babe started KINDERGARTEN. I know. I’m still shocked, too. My brother and SIL came to visit and we also started being the egg handlers for my SIL – kinda. I started my hand at sewing clothes and my girls loved twirling in them.

September

I had surgery on my wrist from an incident that happened back when I worked at the airport. Bebe had her goodbye visit with her parents, I made a book bag with my mom, Babe got her front two teeth knocked out, I made a jacket, and we took an impromptu trip down to Nashville to see BB’s biological aunt and uncle. We also took in a new placement for a short amount of time.

October

We celebrated BB’s second birthday, made homemade caramel apples, took a lot of trips to Walmart, and reorganized our house five million times. We went to my colleges’ homecoming and spent the day with my sister and BIL. We got to go to a field trip with Babe and help her pick pumpkins. We went to Iowa to go to our favorite pumpkin patch, eat apple cider doughnuts, and eat dinner at Dennys. Oh, and it freaking snowed on Halloween.

NOvemember

We took another road trip down to Nashville and dropped off the littles and kept trekking down to Florida with our oldest. We took her to Cocoa Beach and then to Disney. It was her “Celebrating Adoption” trip. She definitely needed the 1:1 time with us, as did we. We celebrated Bebe’s 2nd birthday after our trip and took time to take family phots.

December

Lace and I went on our annual trip to see a play. This year we went and saw Wicked at the Fox Theater in St. Louis. We did respite for the sweetest three-year-old, made Christmas candies with my SIL, and made more dresses for Christmas day. I set my 2020 goals and also attempted Babe’s hair for the first time. OH! WE GOT AN ADOPTION DATE FOR BABE. Seriously, what could be better?! Today is the 28th and we have taken placement of the little girl we did respite for in the beginning of the month. There is definitely going to be an adjustment period, and that is okay.

Change is the only real constant.

So a year in the making. I didn’t lose the weight I wanted to, I haven’t ran any races, we are still in Quincy, and life is still as chaotic as ever. But, this year has been amazing. I’ve been published, I’ve sold my macarons, we have an adoption date for our oldest, we got married (!!!), we’ve paid off three loans, and we are all healthy, alive, and together.

2020 is already proving to be absolutely amazing and I cannot wait to see what is in store.

I hope 2020 is everything you deserve.

968 days ago, Bebe got placed with us. We picked her up from the hospital in St. Louis after her tubes were taken out of her and after she was healthy enough to be in contact with new people.

She was little. She had low iron levels, she never made any noise, and getting her to eat was the hardest thing we’ve ever tried to do. I say tried, because to this day, if she doesn’t want to eat, there is no way you’ll ever make her.

Quickly we saw signs of delays. She wasn’t holding her head up, she wasn’t rolling over, she wasn’t sitting up. She was a year before she started crawling and it wasn’t until we got her glasses that she finally took off. Same goes for walking — she didn’t start until about twenty months and SMO braces that she truly mastered walking.

To this day, she has never said “mama” or “dada”. The only two things she, verbally, says is: “sit” and “what’s that”.

BUT

She does walk, now. She does crawl, now. She does eat like a total champ. She does have over 20 meaningful signs that she uses completely independently.

Over the past ten months, I’ve had no less than 40 appointments every month.

• Occupational Therapy
• Physical Therapy
• Speech
• Developmental Therapy
• Optometry
• Podiatry
• Mental health therapy for our oldest
• Mental health therapy for myself
• Home visits with caseworker/ licensure worker/ adoption worker
• CASA visits
• Dance

In the month of November, we’ve had about 10 days off with the holidays and with our vacation, and I still topped off at 67 appointments. Our poor car, less than five months old, has 11,000 miles on it.

These appointments would not be possible had I not quit my job in January. My freaking dream job. The best job I’ve ever had.

I had to give it up in order to help my children.

Don’t get me wrong, some days, I hate it. I hate having minimal adult interaction. Ask any adult who comes in contact with me, I talk their ear off. I’m sure they are thinking , “Ohhhh my God. She’s a lunatic.” Ask our caseworker. I’m sure he dreads coming over because he knows it won’t be a visit less than an hour long.

90% of the time though, I love it. I love being home with them. I love being able to cuddle them when they get hurt. I love being the one they run to during the day vs a daycare provider. I love being able to watch them interact with each other.

Day after day though, I start to lose hope in their progress they’re making. I begin to wonder if they are even making progress. Are they closing gaps? Are they even on par with other peers their age? It’s so hard not comparing them to other children their age.

Today though, today I cried as I walked into their two-year check up. Hooowwww has it already been two years? How have we loved on you for so long. How have you become this little human who communicates with us, plays independently, and eats everything in sight? I seriously blinked and you grew up in a matter of seconds.

I cried more as I asked our pediatrician, who’s been there since the beginning, who’s seen our concerns with her delays and helped us through them all, where she ranks among a “normal” two year old. We went through the 24 – month check list. And then he started. He started crying in amazement. “I am shocked with how far she has come. I didn’t think this would be this possible.” We cried together.

Both of our two year olds are on par with other peers. He believes they will grow up to live productive, normal, lives because of the care, love, and support we’ve poured into them.

So today, today I am proud of our girls. But I am also proud of myself for figuring out, mapping out, and carting around the kids to every appointment under the sun. Lace constantly tells me that I am making a difference in our girls’ lives, and while, of course, I know that, sometimes I doubt myself. But today, today I freaking own that — with a Diet Coke in hand, of course.

This blog post is long over due, but that’s what happens when you’ve got three children and a million and ten things on your to do list. Unfortunately, lax things make the end of your list day after day after day.

So, here we go.

Approximately 965 days ago, I had just finished working out and I was getting ready to leave the gym as my phone rang. The 217/592-XXXX number that made my heart race more than a sprinted 5K would.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Is this Anna?”

“Yes it is. What’s up?”

“We have a little girl who is in protective custody. She’s 3 years old. She’s at the hospital getting her well check completed. Would you be interested in placement?”

“Yes! When will she be at our house? What size is she in? What is her name? Do we need to pick her up?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have sizing information for you or her name. We have to let you know that she is African American. Are you still okay with taking placement?”

“Yes!”

This conversation has played over and over in my head over the last 965 day countless times. Did they really just ask if I was okay taking in a black child? Do people really deny placement if a child is black?

Now, I will note that as a licensed foster parent, you are able to specify ages and gender. For example, our license is for ages 0-3, but we do not specify for gender. So, I guess, it would only make sense to be able to specify race, but I’m not sure why one would do this??? I have a strong belief that, whether religious or not, people foster to help children to feel safe, loved, important, and wanted. So, why would race matter if this is truly your goal?

We picked her up at approximately 6:45 pm. We went to Old Navy to get pajamas & a few outfits and then we went to McDonald’s for dinner. We finally went home, read Dragons Love Tacos, and put our little girl to bed. Our life, as we knew it, had completely changed.

Over the months, babe quickly realized, I liked books. They were (are) everywhere in our home — organized by colors, of course. She also quickly realized that very few, if any, books contained “girls like me”.

Face. Palm. I felt terrible. How could I not realize this?!

The thing is, you don’t realize a lot of things until you’re put into a new situation that you had never been put into before. Hey white families with white children: how many books featuring different races do you have? Hey straight families with straight children, I bet “muffins with moms” and “doughnuts with dads” doesn’t offend you nearly as much as it does my spouse and I. Now, I totally get that there are people out there that have inclusive books in their homes and that there are progressive heterosexual people who are out there spreading awareness about LGBTQ+ issues, but that’s not my point. My point is, there are things you don’t think about, deal with, made uncomfortable by, unless you are put into situations that do so.

So, here we are. BN.com. Amazon.com. Google search:

Books with black main characters.

Fill me with knowledge. Fill me with hope that there are books for my daughter.

Ready, set, GO!

Oh, Princess Truly. One of our absolute favorites. She’s a scientist, a musician, a teacher. She believes she’s able to be anything with her magical puff hair. Obviously Babe loves that she has hair like PT.

I do my absolute best to find books that are non-fiction for babe to connect with. Right now, Babe is all about ballet so anything Misty Copeland is her jam. We read about slavery, the Underground Railroad, segregation, etc. They are tough topics, but it is part of her history. I can’t hide the past so all I can do is provide her with information. There are books out there for children on tough topics, read them.

These are two basic books. Nothing fancy, no major topics. Just black children as main characters. Funny story, if you’re ever wondering what babe looks like, she’s a spitting image of that little girl on The Library Book.

Nella, Nella, Nella. A black Princess who is also breaking gender stereotypes by being a Knight — our kinda book. We are constantly talking to Babe about how boys can wear dresses and paint their nails and play with baby dolls if they want and girls can play with tools and wear jeans and play with cars and trucks if they want. She is finally to the point of letting toys be toys without assigning gender. Add the fact that she is black on top of it? Way to go Nickelodeon!

This books makes my heart happy. We received this book from a woman I went to high school with who has never met my daughters, yet, knew this book would be perfect.

Another example of “something you don’t think about until you’re put into this situation.”

Black hair is not the same as white hair. Period.

Pink Gel. Weaves. Gel. Hair lotion. Baby Don’t Be Bald. Don’t wash her hair more than once a month or it will go dry. Hair bonnets and silk pillow cases. 4C hair type. Protective hair styles.

Guys, we’ve had Babe for almost 1000 days and we are still learning all of the time.

This book is amazing.

Babe is brilliant and she’s going to move mountains. She’s not the first, though, and she needs to know who came before her that paved the path for her. There is an entire history that she needs to know about, her history. This book provides photos of over 50 influential black women with descriptions of their lives and how they succeeded. Brilliant.

This isn’t the end.

Google: “Black children’s books”

• https://www.theconsciouskid.org/black-books-matter-childrens-books-celebrating-black-boys
• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/21-childrens-books-every-black-kid-should-read_n_565f176be4b072e9d1c43b0a
• https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Books-Childrens-African-American-Story/zgbs/books/3095
• https://aalbc.com/books/children.php

There are so many books out there for Black Children, as there should be. As a white adoptive mom, it is my job to find these books and provide them for my daughter. There are a million worlds for her to discover through reading, why shouldn’t she be able to connect with the main character while doing so?

My dearest Daughter,

We took you to the Atlantic Ocean today. You splashed and swam and jumped over the waves. You screamed as seagulls chased you, wanting the popcorn in your hands. Of course you just kept running instead of dropping the popcorn — I was rolling watching it all happen as I stood in the water. We collected shells and we dug in the sand. At lunch, I asked, “What has been your favorite part so far?” and you quickly responded with, “The ocean!”. I am so thankful that you got to experience the vast open space today of the water & there is one wish I have for you, to feel so small in the grand scheme of things. Sweetheart, know that you are so big and your mind is able to change the world, but also know that you are a single person. You are small when compared to the world. So travel, my love. Realize that the Atlantic Ocean is but one part of the world that is yours to explore and yours to spread your smile to everyone who will look your way. And trust me, they’ll be looking at you bc we all know you’re cute. Know that there are busses and trains and cars and planes. Know that there is so much to see and do and explore. It is my one wish I will forever hope for. I hope you loved today, even if it meant getting sand up your butt and your mom putting on too much sunscreen. Love you, BC.

When I was younger, I was a terrible reader, writer, editor, etc. Basically anything that was associated with language, I sucked at. In second grade, my teacher sent home three or four letters to my mom explaining how I needed to be in a resource room for extra help — I tore up that letter each time and never gave it to my mom. Funny how I never considered her just calling my mom and explaining. Ha. — Needless to say, I was in that resource class by the end of the month. I was the only girl in that class which made me feel worse about myself, but now I look at the four of us – A teacher, a psychologist, a construction worker, and an engineer. I constantly wonder where we would be if I hadn’t been in that resource room, where we would all be. My mom always told me – “If you can read and do math, you can do anything.” Look at that, my mom was right, again.

After that, I fell in love with reading. It opened me up to worlds I never knew existed, people I wouldn’t have been able to imagine on my own, and characters who helped me to understand who I was and where I fit in. Reading was my saving grace while I was in school, and after.

Everyone who’s been to our house knows that my books are ordered by color and then alphabetically. Babes books are ordered by publisher, holiday, chapter books, and over all genre. The babies have book shelves that are overflowing with their board books and will soon need an actual book shelf (ves). We do our best to read to our children on any given day, even if it is the same book over and over. Babes first book she read with us was “Dragons Eat Tacos” (thanks, Emily!!) and it’s crazy because she remembers that book from the very first night we brought her home.

So, with this, I had a friend reach out to me seeking recommendations for books for children that would help expose her children to diversity and different cultures. Of course I jumped at this and immediately went to babes room and started going through her book shelves to find close to 50 books.

-- Let me back up. When we first got babe, and the babies, we didn't have a lot of these books. I hate to admit this, but it just wasn't something I was conscious about. I wasn't made to be aware of these books until I was forced to be uncomfortable. Raising a black child in a LGBT relationship, we get a lot of stares, a lot of comments, and quite frankly, a lot of bullshit. Over the past 890, we've learned to ignore most of it, or at least we try to. We live in a very small town that the majority of the population is close-minded and put off by multicultural families/ LGBTQ+ families. So, once we had Babe placed with us, I was officially on the hunt. When we got BB & Bebe, the hunt continued. Books about adoption, black history/ black representation, LGBTQ+ family books, and books that overall depict representation in the graphics. 

After I went through all of the girls books, I separated them into three categories — I’m sure there could be more, but I decided to make it as simple as possible. I will post photos of the books, in addition to trying to link most of the books. Books I feel strongly about, I will do my best to give a brief description of it.

Accepting yourself.

These books depict multicultural representation, doing your best, learning to love yourself, and understanding that not everyone is the same/ everyone is different.

I Am Enough by Grace Byers was gifted to us by a friend and we will forever be thankful for it. It is a book, by cover, that Babe can identify with — “She has my hair!!”. This books is about learning that even though everyone is different, they are still worthy and enough. It represents black children, white children, Chinese children, children with disabilities, children who are in karate, children helping each other — it talks about winging and losing, it is all about acceptance.

“I know that we don’t look the same: our skin, our eyes, out hair, our frame. But that does not dictate our worth; we both have places here on earth. And in the end, we are right here to live a life of love, not fear. . . to help each other when it’s taught, to say together: I am enough.”

Talk about empowering.

These two books were gifted to the girls from my sister-in-law who works for this publisher. They are super simple board books that talk about how important and special you are. They are bright and colorful and talk about how everyone loves you for you and how you don’t need to change to make other people love you.

I can promise you that you can never go wrong with Peter H. Reynolds. The first time I reach each of there books, I cried. They are such simple concepts that small children can learn from but also life lessons that adults can learn from. Each of these books depict children of different races and different backgrounds. The Word Collector is a new favorite. Again, concepts and words that children can understand, but also concepts that are very teachable. 10/10, always.

These two books are very similar in concept, but still teach good lessons. Basically each of these animals learn to love themselves for who they are and their friends learn to love them for who they really are. Super cute books to teach acceptance to children.

Another book that was gifted to us has made it to our favorites list. It’s a ‘new age’ concept that girls can do anything they want and as much as I hate that it is this, it is, and we must make it known to our girls that they can be whatever they want — an astronaut, a judge, a symphony conductor, a chef, a police officer or a firefighter, a doctor,

“Express your true self, for there’s only one you. Can’t find what you like? Then design something new! What you think determines which outfit’s okay. Don’t judge your appearance by what others say. Make your own rules in this big wide world. Set your sights high and . . . dress like a girl!“

These books are great books to talk about differences in cultures, backgrounds, home lives, races, etc. These are books Babe loves to look at and see how other people live in different cultures/ regions of the Earth.

This is my go-to book if Babe has a hard day at school, dance, daycare, etc. I will rework the words to talk about keeping hands to self, helping others, being nice. The book is a great book for kids to prompt discussion. We will look at the pages and without reading the words, talk about how who is helping who, how others are being kind, etc. Sometimes she sees other ways they’re being kind that the book doesn’t talk about. We read this book often.

This book is inspired by the true story of Mary Edwards Walker. This book, “encourages readers to think for themselves while gently challenging genre and societal norms.” We got this book when Babe would constantly talk about “boys do this or girls do this.” To be brutally honest, we hate gender roles in our home, in our society, in our every day life. Without getting into details, our children are going to cut the grass and clean the kitchen — they will clean up their messes and take the dog for a walk. There are no ‘male’ roles or ‘female’ roles. You are capable of doing it all, so do it. In this book, Mary is constricted by wearing a dress because that is what was expected by girls to wear. She quickly decided she did not like this and started to wear pants, suspenders, and button downs. This book is very well written to help children understand that clothes are clothes and girls and boys are both able to do anything.

Shout out to my SIL who helped to design this book! This books’ main character is a little mixed girl with a black dad and a white mom. They depict multicultural weddings, traveling across the country, wearing what you want, welcoming people from other countries, being kind, appreciating differences, and being your best self.

“Being American means . . . believing that all people are equal, and should have the opportunity to be happy. . . following our dreams, and working hard to achieve them. . . having the freedom to choose whom we love, what we believe, what we do, and where we live, and to change our minds if we want.”

Love is love.

Obviously adoption and LGBTQ+ families are something we are passionate about. As I sifted through the girls’ books, I realize I need to better at finding more books that focus on these topics.

Both of these books focus on LGBTQ+ families and acceptance. I so often find that people think we are oh so different from a ‘typical heterosexual’ family. News flash: we’re not. We love each other, we love our kids, we do our best everyday. Period. It is so important, even for heterosexual couples to introduce their kids to other family types. They don’t always match, and that is okay — their love does.

These books both focus on adoption — mother to daughter and sister to sister. Both of which are important to all of our girls. In Real Sisters Pretend, there is a black daughter, a hispanic daughter, am asian mom, and a white mom. Talk about multicultural family. Way to go, Megan Dowd Lambert.

“And we are safe and sound. And that’s real, too, because of adoption. And Momma. And Mommy too. “

Super simple concepts for children that would actually be beneficial for adults to read to — hint hint. Gaston, a Frenchi who is adopted in by Poodles. He is prim and prosper and loves his family. One day they go to the park and Gaston meets a Frenchi family who adopted a poodle puppy, Antoinette. Gaston and Antoinette realize they were in the wrong families, and switched places — Poodles with Poodles and Frenchies with Frenchies. They quickly realized that although they ‘looked right’ together, they didn’t feel right. They ended up switching places and going back to their homes where although they didn’t look right, they felt right. Family isn’t where you look the same, have the same parents, etc. Family is where you fit in, feel loved, are accepted. Remember that.

BLack lives matter.

Coming soon.

This topic is very near and dear to our hearts. There will be another blog post coming that focuses just on these books, our struggles, and our desires to raising Babe the best that we possibly can.

Xox, Anna V.

My name is Anna and I am a stay at home mom (SAHM), who is never really home. My spouse and I have three children who are currently in foster care but will, hopefully, soon be adopted.

I’m currently reading a book called: “How I Resist” edited by Maureen Johnson. It talks about resisting politics, fighting for what you believe in, and being the best you that you can be. Johnson interviews many different proactive-movement artists, writers, influencers, etc, to get their input on how they resist and why they resist. In this book, you meet people of color, people who fall into an LGBTQ+ category, and people who have disabilities – both visible & invisible. We learn their stories of repression, lack of representation, the constant fight of who they are, and why they deserve equality, justice, and a safe place in the country they live in. One author talked about how she resists all of the inequalities by being one thing – her. She speaks from experience when saying the best way to resist is to be you. Show up, speak out, be involved. She explains that every person has a passion to fight for, a reason to stand up, a purpose in life.

Twenty minutes after reading this part of the book, I was contacted to write an article for our local Family Magazine. I was told: “It can be whatever you’re passionate about.” Talk about meant to be, am I right?

Foster Care.

So let me start again.

Hello! My name is Anna. I’m a mama, a wife, and a foster care advocate. I’m here to talk to you about all things foster care – Who to contact, what I wish we would’ve known, questions that I’ve been asked, my own personal experience and everything in between.

“I would get too attached.” Then you would be great at it.

Ready, set, go.

So you want to foster. Where do you start? Who do you contact? Private agency or state department? Financial support? Emotional support? Scared, intimidated by the process?

Let’s get started.

Whether your reason for fostering is a spiritual calling, growing your family, or helping a child that you don’t even know, please know that your reason is valid and do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

I was a teacher in the QPS district for three years. During my last year of teaching, I got a call for an 8 month old baby girl. The conversation went a bit like this: “Anna, when will you be home? We will be at your door at 3pm.” I kid you not, at 3:00 on the dot, there she was. I was given her packet of information, and then the caseworker was gone. I officially had a child whom I was responsible for. Fast forward three months, she was moved to a blood relative who has since adopted her. I am so happy that she found a healthy, loving, forever family.

My spouse and I met in the middle of all of this. As we are part of the LGBTQ+ community, we knew that having a family the ‘natural way’ wouldn’t be a feasible option for us at the time. Once that little girl moved from our home, her caseworker convinced me to finish up my foster care license so we could open our home to other kids in care.

So here we go.

1. There are three organizations in Quincy that you can be licensed with.
   • Chaddock Foster & Adoption. Private. Phone number: (217) 222-0034 ext. 459. Scott, Shirley, and Lindsey are all licensing workers there. They will be your go to when signing up for your PRIDE (foster) classes. They will be able to give you information on home studies, paperwork, and can help you navigate through your first few months while you finish your classes.
   • DCFS. State Ran Agency. Phone number: (217) 221-2525. Becky will be able to help you get in contact with licensing workers to help you get set up with your classes. Once you’re in contact with your worker, they will get you all of the information you need.
   • Lutheran Child and Family Services: Phone number: (217) 214-2012. I, personally, have never worked with LCFS, but I’m sure if you call & ask about foster care, they will be able to send you in the right direction.
2. PRIDE Classes.
   • These classes are to help you see how foster care works, who will be involved, how important reunification is, and how trauma effects the children. You will be in classes with other fellow foster parents who will be on the same page you are. I would highly recommend working with them and building friendships with them. I am not kidding when I say it will take a village to do what we do.
   • These classes are typically 9 weeks long. I have heard and have had friends that have done these classes online. Again, when you decide which agency you want to go with, call your licensing worker to set them up.
3. Financial Support.
   • So often it is said: “I can’t afford to be a foster parent.” WRONG. Well, maybe.
   • When a child is removed from their home, if it is their first time in care, a child will receive a voucher. Depending on age, they will also receive a furniture voucher. These will cover clothes, cribs, toddler beds, high chairs, diapers, toiletry items, shoes, etc. These vouches typically come within the first week that the child is in care.
   • Every month, you will receive a stipend. The stipend is divided amongst three categories: clothing, allowance, and boarding. This is for every foster child in your home.
   • Once the child has been with you for 6 months and one day, you are able to claim that child on your taxes as a dependent.
   • When the child goes to school, it is common for agencies to reimburse up to $50 of school-needed supplies. IE: book bags, lunch boxes, crayons, glue, scissors, etc.
   • Each child does have an activity fund. I know for Chaddock, it maxes at about $300 / year. This money can be used for swim lessons, dance classes, art classes, theater classes, gymnastics, etc.
   • All foster children receive free lunches at school.
   • Free activities for foster children are everywhere, you just have to look! The Quincy Art Center provides up to four free classes per year for children who receive free lunches. Museums in Chicago provide free passes when presenting your foster license. In St. Louis, the Magic House has free admittance for foster families when provided proof of their license. Quest Stables provide free/ discounted horse riding for children in care.
   • Daycare forms can be filled out if you are a working parent. The state will reimburse daycares so you don’t have to pay out of pocket.
4. Emotional support.
   • Find it. Find your tribe and don’t let them go.

Ask and you shall RECEIVE.

What Challenges do you face? How do you handle them? What keeps us going.

I think the real question is: what challenges don’t we face? Kidding. ish. All three of our girls come from very different backgrounds. I won’t go into their backgrounds because I am a firm believer that it is not my story to tell. The things that they have been through in their short lives have been more life-altering than I, or my spouse, have ever been through. Every day we struggle with transitioning, eating disorders, stranger danger, attachment, etc.: all habits that are hard to break. Every day I struggle with my patience, my ability to be the best therapeutic parent I can be, and making sure I have enough Coca-Cola in the fridge. As a family, we struggle with finding time to do 1:1 things with our kids, keeping the family calendar updated, and ensuring that the toys are always put away where they need to be. Trauma is a real thing that I encourage you to look into and accept once you get your first placement. Between my three children, I am, on average, running around to 12 – 15 appointments a week. OT, PT, DT, speech, swimming, optometry, podiatry, visits, home visits, CASA visits, etc. I am truly a SAHM who is never really home. My spouse and I go hand in hand, literally. We do our best to support each other through the days and make sure we are making time for ourselves, each other, and our children. We are firm believers that: “If the foundation of the family isn’t stable, the rest will have a hard time staying upright”. We are the foundation of our family. We make sure to hire a babysitter periodically to ensure we get alone time. I try to schedule all appointments during the day while my S.O. is at work, and we always try to go for a walk as a family when they get home. The running joke in our family is how we are done saying “yes.” HA. That’s the joke. We will never be done. We will always have a place for foster care and I don’t think we will ever, truly, close our home. Our kids test our patience every day. They chuck food on the ground, scream, spit up chewed carrots onto their plate (at least it’s on the plate, am I right?), and shove each other around. They sound like normal kids. Looking at them, they look like normal kids. What even is normal? Our kids wear glasses, have SMO braces, don’t talk at 20 months. Our kids have been through a hell-storm and you ask what keeps us going? They do. They are the calm in the chaos. They light up a room with their laughter. The things that they have gone through will only make them stronger and more capable to not give up when the going gets tough because they know they’ve made it through worse things. Because of them, we keep fighting for our kids. Because of them, we keep fighting for the other 443,000 kids in care in the United States.

What are three things you wish you knew at the beginning that you now know?

1. I wish I were prepared for the trauma. The deep and ugly trauma that these children have dealt with, that have changed them. While going through your PRIDE classes, you learn, read, and interact with people who are living in the now with foster care. You hear their stories of abuse, drug exposure, neglect, and everything in between. I can promise you, nothing will prepare you for when the child enters your home and you hear their story. My dad often tells me that before we got our first foster daughter, he would’ve never believed the stories of what she’d been through, how it was out of a horror story. The thing is, it wasn’t. It is her story that makes up who she is. And she isn’t the only one. I can promise you, your heart will break for these children and then be put back together ten times the size, all because of them.
2. I wish I would’ve been aware of the support you need to survive. I’m not kidding when I say you need to find your tribe and not let them go. In the world of foster care, you’re going to feel alone. We’ve all been there and felt that way. I hate to say it, but your friendships & supports that you are used to will likely alter and shift into something new. Unfortunately, people who don’t foster or have not been exposed to the fostering world do not understand the things we deal with on a day-to-day basis. You’ll start to get the: “I could never do that!” and end up rolling your eyes, immediately. I wish I would’ve had the confidence to seek out the truest form of friendships that I now have, with other foster parents. It’s a different kind of friendship that understands your booked-out calendar, the frustration of visits, the chaos of new diagnosis, and your method of parenting. I wish I would have known and understood that I didn’t have to wait until I was at my lowest to seek help. I wish I would’ve known that my caseworker was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to us and my girls. I wish I would’ve known that it is OKAY to seek help and support when you don’t understand or when you just feel like you can’t do it another day.
3. I wish I would’ve known how to process my own feelings when it came to my girls’ birth parents. Anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, the desire to communicate and forgive and how all of my emotions are valid. Unfortunately, the likelihood of our girls going back to their birth parents is slim and with that comes a whole new round of emotions: gratefulness, love, sadness, the sense of loss, confusion, grief, whole, complete. Again, all of my feelings through it all are also valid. I genuinely wish I had known this. I wish I had known that all of these feelings would exist, at once and all apart. The wholeness I feel for having our family together yet the sadness that another family is broken. The love I have for another child and the sadness and confusion for another person and why they couldn’t do it for their own babies. I wish I had someone to explain to me that these feelings were true, and that someone else felt them at some point, too. So here I am, if and when you feel these things, they are valid, you are valid, and being okay with feeling this way is totally and completely valid.

What can someone do if they aren’t ready to foster?

This is seriously such a great question because, seriously, there are so many ways!

• A major way to support foster families is to be open to providing respite care. This is pretty much just babysitting, but you technically are licensed and the agency will pay you. It may not seem like much, but it is a guaranteed way to open up your home for families who truly need a break.If you want to do this, contact your agency and contact your licensing worker!
• Offer to clean their house, do laundry, provide meals, etc. It may seem like a small task, but it also can take so much off the shoulders of the foster parents. On a given day I am running to 1 – 5 appoints alone. I might not be home until 4 and then my S.O. gets home at 5. Dinner isn’t in the oven or on the stove and we might resort to eating cereal for dinner. Offering a meal when foster families are on the go could be such a nice gesture that would help so much.
• Advocate for kids in care. You could volunteer to become a CASA worker, apply to be a visitation specialist, or donate your time to work with kids.
• Donate toys, clothing, books, toiletries, etc. to kids in care. When a child comes in care, it is likely that the only things they will have are the clothes on their backs. If there is something that can be given to them when they enter care, it will make their first night a bit less scary.

What do I do to help the foster care community?

Since our first daughter came to us, I have made blankets to donate to Chaddock & DCFS. The first year was 50 small circle blankets. They were meant for infants coming into care and who had nothing. This past year, I made 50 yard-length blankets for the kids coming into care, this time meant for all ages. So often it is found that these kids have very little attachment to things because it’s not very often that they have anything that is truly theirs. As of June 19th, all 50 blankets had been distributed. Unfortunately this means that the kids coming into care from now until Christmas will not be receiving a blanket. I set up a Go Fund Me account in order to receive donations to help make the cost of making these blankets more affordable. If you would like to donate, I will link my Go Fund Me below.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/1o8s9vztk0

Another thing I started to do was write a blog. It had been something I had been wanting to do for quite some time and I finally sat down and created it. It was one of the best things I could’ve done. It has been active for just under two months and since then, I have had 3,385 views, 1,239 visitors, and have been viewed by over 28 countries including: USA, Sweden, Ireland, and Thailand. My blog focuses on the good, the bad, and the ugly of foster care. I invite you to look into it.

https://annacofosters.home.blog

Back in May, Chaddock held their Foster Care Awareness Balloon Release. We released one balloon for every child that is in care in Adams County. Don’t worry, they were biodegradable balloons. After the release, I was interviewed by KHQA to give insight on foster care.

https://khqa.com/news/local/foster-families-needed-as-case-numbers-rise

So here we are. We made it to the end. If you made it through the entire thing, I thank you. If you didn’t make it to the end, well, that’s your loss. I hope this article has opened your eyes to foster care and how to get involved. The sad truth is that there are too many kids coming into care and not enough homes. We need you. Foster care is not for the faint of heart but, by God, these kids have been through hell and back, and they need you.

“I am not afraid to grieve. I am afraid of what will happen to these children if no one takes the risk to love them”